We have reached American Thanksgiving. A time for coaches to be fired and turkey to be eaten. NHL history has shown that teams struggling at Thanksgiving usually continue to struggle for the rest of the season and teams in playoff spots tend to keep those playoff spots. It is the point in most teams season where they have to make a decision whether to stick or twist. I don’t want this article to be too long so we’re going to keep the “analysis” to three lines or less. So let’s rank the 31 teams in the NHL, and sum up their season so far with a GIF :).

1. Boston Bruins 17-3-5

No one cares until April. David Pastarnak needs to be checked for steroids and also just drugs in general for allowing himself to sign that contract.

2. Washington Capitals 17-4-5

Don’t really have good underlying stats, but they win hockey games. John Carlson is playing like Bobby Orr, Jakub Vrana is breaking out like a young teenager going through puberty.

Capital W… Get it???

3. Edmonton Oilers 16-8-3

Connor Mcdavid and Leon Draisaitl are putting on a performance reminiscent of the carry job that Lebron performed with the 06-07 Cavs. ALLOW JESSE PUJUJARVI TO COME BACK TO AMERICA. 

Connor and Leon this year

4. St. Louis Blues 15-5-6

Okay, Jordan Binnington might be good. This team’s leading scorer is David Perron, but they are first in the West so I don’t know I guess they are good.

Just go with it.

5. Arizona Coyotes 15-8-3

Goalies matter and they have two really good ones! They don’t score a lot, but they don’t give up a lot either, The West’s New York Islanders.

6. New York Isles 16-5-2

BORING AS HECK. Overachieving with the roster they have, advanced stats look horrible, but they keep winning so maybe Barry Trotz is a wizard or something. Matt Barzal is fun though.

Isles fans when the final buzzer goes.

7. Pittsburgh Penguins 14-7-4

It’s Pittsburgh so of course, Bryan Rust and Jared McCann are having career years. Matt Murray stinks, but it DOES NOT MATTER because backup Tristian Jarry is sporting a .940 save percentage. I don’t know how this team does it.

8. Dallas Stars 15-9-2

Started off horribly, but are 8-1-1 in the last 10 and are finally playing up to their potential. Another example of a goalie tandem working wonders.

Stars fans to Miro Heiskanen

9. Carolina Hurricanes 15-9-1

Dougie Hamilton is really good when he is put in a position to succeed, who woulda thought? Last year wasn’t a fake, these guys are fun to watch and really good.

The Jerks are alright.

10. Florida Panthers 12-8-5

Looks like the Bobrovsky contract will hurt them for the next half-decade as literally, everyone predicted. Somehow overcoming Bob’s porous .888 SV percentage to be good though. Barkov and Huberdeau are forever underrated as hell and Aaron Ekblad is having a Norris calibre bounceback year.

11. Colorado Avalanche 14-8-2

Tough luck with injuries, but are still keeping afloat. Mackinnon and Makar are absolutely disgusting and are the reason Colorado isn’t falling apart. Once everyone is healthy they should be favourites in the West.

Me watching Mackinnon and Makar. #electric

12. Tampa Bay Lightning 12-8-2

They have the same amount of non-shootout wins as Ottawa… They will be fine, it is freaking Tampa.

13. Toronto Maple Leafs 12-10-4

Shocking what happens when you put a team full of really good players in a position to succeed. 3 game win streak without Mitch Marner? Watch out league.

Leafs fans looking at a coach that doesn’t psychologically abuse his players.

14. Winnipeg Jets 15-9-1

Done pretty well considering their defence is so weak Luca Sbisa plays actual minutes for them. Top six is as deadly as any in the league and Hellybuck having a good bounceback year.

Proceed with caution.

15. Philadelphia Flyers 13-7-5

Been a weird season for the Flyers. They are good at home, horrible on the road. Carter Hart is recovering from a tough start, talented enough to make some noise come spring if they can get there.

Darn you Gritty.

16. San Jose Sharks 13-12-1

Martin Jones is just awful like he is horrible and I am not sure how they are 8-2-0 in their last 10. -14 goal differential, but they have been really good recently so if they can get better than ECHL level goaltending they should be okay.

Martin Jones this year.

17. Vancouver Canucks 12-10-4

Exciting to watch, give up a lot, but score a lot too. 3-6-1 in their last 10, their Power Play is deadly, but sadly the majority of the game is played 5 on 5.

God is still punishing you for 2011 Canucks fans.

18. Vegas Golden Knights 12-11-4

They need Marc-Andre Fleury to stay healthy, BADLY. The defence is below average, but their offence is so good, they should be okay. Interestingly this is their worst stretch in franchise history.

The Knights could use a pep talk from Lil Jon right now.

19. Montreal Canadiens 11-8-5

In a shocking turn of events that we’ve never before seen Montreal fans are turning on Carey Price! Seemingly, out of nowhere, they have lost 6 in a row and Drouin is out for 8 weeks. The Habs could be out of it by New Years if they don’t fix up soon.

He could have been all yours Habs fans.

20. Nashville Predators 11-9-4

They have the best D pairing in hockey in Ryan Ellis and Roman Josi and they still suck! They shouldn’t actually be this bad, I mean they have a +2 GD and have the lowest xGA in the league, but hey hockey is stupid. 

21. Buffalo Sabres 11-10-4

Deja Vu in Buffalo, start on fire, eventually fall apart and end up getting a top 10 pick while wasting another year of Jack Eichel’s prime and repeat. At least the Bills are good. CIRCLE THE WAGONS!

22. Calgary Flames 12-12-4

Things are as ugly off the ice as they are on it in Calgary. Good to see bad guy’s get what they deserve. Here’s to hoping the new coach bounce hits them as hard as it hit the Leafs.

23. Chicago Blackhawks 10-9-5

I mean, Kirby Dach is pretty fun…right? They have scored and allowed 69 goals. NICE!

24. Anaheim Ducks 11-11-4

The Ducks started pretty well, mostly because John Gibson was just being John Gibson. John Gibson is still being John Gibson, but the Ducks have a horrible roster so they are bad again. But hey, at least they ended the Isles points streak!

John Gibson every game.

25. New York Rangers 12-9-2

The Rangers looked like they would contend with the Red Wings for the worst team in the league at the start of the year, but they have turned things around a little bit. Kappo Kakko is getting his feet under him and Tony Deangelo has been a pleasant surprise. Panarin’s pretty good too.

This kid has been the bright spot of the Rangers season so far.

26. Ottawa Senators 11-13-1

All jokes aside it is good to see Anthony Duclair having a good year. Ottawa is playing hard and if their roster wasn’t full of Maple Leaf rejects and literal children then maybe they wouldn’t be this bad, but hey, it’s a rebuild, you are supposed to suck.

I agree, Matt!

27. Columbus Blue Jackets 10-10-4

I don’t know what Columbus expected to happen considering they let their three best players leave for nothing and did pretty much nothing at all to replace them. They have only scored TWO more goals than the Red Wings so I think that tells you all you need to know.

Jackets fans after they replaced Artemi Panarin with… Gustav Nyquist

28. Minnesota Wild 10-11-4

The Wild paid a bunch of old, slow guys way too much money. Surprisingly that plan isn’t really panning out. Considering some of the moves the Wild front office has made over the past decade, they deserve to be trash for a while.

It didn’t pay off…

29. New Jersey Devils 8-11-4

EVERYONE picked the Devils to be the surprising, breakout team this year. One thing everyone forgot, GOALIES MATTER! Too bad the Devils goalies are Cory Schneider and Mackenzie Blackwood, oh and please trade Taylor Hall to someone good before it is too late, thanks.

30. LA Kings 10-13-2

The most exciting thing to happen to Kings this year has been them just constantly getting roasted for having a Taylor Swift banner. Oh, and they told Ilya Kovalchuk to go back to Russia, pretty much.

It’s ok Taylor.

31. Detroit Red Wings 7-17-3

Wow, just wow, the Red Wings are one of the worst hockey teams the NHL has seen post-lockout and that’s okay! They have already allowed 104 goals, it has been 27 GAMES! By my math, that means they are allowing roughly 4 goals a game, but hey it is a rebuild. Good luck Stevie Y!